Ada Tembok di Sekelilingku, Kamu Liat Nggak? Dan Kalo Kamu Liat, Kamu Mau Apa? (Part 1)

Kali ini, aku merenungkan hal-hal yang, well, sebenernya udah berkali-kali aku renungin. 

It's about me, myself and I. If you aren't willing to read this shitty post, just skip. 

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Kadang, aku ngerasa bener-bener DOWN. Let's say, I hate the part when it seems like I am abandoned by the whole world. I hate the part when it seems like the world's gonna leave me alone. I hate the part when I realize that I can't  live without others but subsequently found out that I couldn't even approach any.

Kadang, aku ngerasa bener-bener UNMOOD. I hate them all, I hate the way they look at me, and I hate everything related to them. Oh my God, I hate their existence indeed!

Kadang juga, aku ngerasa pengen nangis sekeras-kerasnya. Just as an innocent kiddo does. Sayang, nggak ada waktu dan tempat untuk itu. So I just keep on taking deep breaths and fiuh.... It's all gone.

Did everyone know?

I'm secretly introvert. Itulah kenapa waktu aku ngerasa down, aku nggak pernah bisa cerita. Itu lah kenapa waktu aku ngerasa unmood, cuma orang-orang terdekat aja yang tau, karena aku nggak bisa cerita. Dan that's why when it comes to the moment when I do want to cry, I do not. Dan itu karena aku nggak akan cerita apa-apa ke orang lain. No, I wont--I mean it, I wont because I can't.

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I'm a moody person. Okelah, kata orang "kendalikan mood mu, jangan sampe kamu dikendaliin oleh mood." Oh man, that's really a simple thing to say. But in fact, it is soooooooooooo hard to be done. There are times when I'm willing to kick somebody out of my life. There are so times when I really want to get rid of them. But then I realize that it's me that should be flee. I'm unwanted. 

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I'm feeling tired sometimes. Aku capek berpura-pura senyum saat aku sedang bete, aku capek ketawa-yang-dibuat-buat, aku capek susah-susah njelasin ke orang hanya untuk membuatnya senang, aku capek untuk bersabar saat ada sesuatu yang bikin aku bete, dan gosh, I'm tired of being a moody person. 

Terakhir, aku benci saat aku bingung mau ngapain. Walking without a clear direction. Just to find out whether there is somebody would catch me when I'm falling down and found out there isn't any. And I hate it when I realize that it was wrong. 

Pernah denger kata 'mengasihani diri sendiri'? Well, thats what I actually feel right now. Bodoh, jelas.

       Dunia ini udah keras. Jika kamu mengasihani diri sendiri, kamu akan diinjak kuat-kuat.